When and how to tell your child about their embryo adoption story (with examples)

Children become part of a family in many different ways – some through natural conceiving, some through assisted fertility means, some through egg or sperm donors, some through embryo adoption, some through live child adoption. Each child has his or her own unique story. Each child is curious on his or her story of how they became part of the family. Each child would ask questions, and when they do not get answers they make up their own story which at times can be problematic.

If you are a caregiver, you might be stuck at what to say, when to say and how to explain the unique story to your child. You might be tempted to keep it a ‘secret’, as you might be afraid of how your child would react and maybe any rejection. This is a normal reaction, because we love our kids and want the best for them.

In this article which will focus on embryo adoption, I will explain the importance of why it is important to tell your child and not keep it a secret. You will have examples of when, how and what to say to your child at each stage.

Why not keep it a secret?

Although it is tempting to keep embryo adoption a secret, since it is easier to do so than say a live child adoption, it is very important that you do not. Children have a sense that they pick up – maybe they realize that their hair is different to their parents, and when they ask you about it, they sense you hesitate even slightly. Even though our intention would be out of love, children do not pick this, but rather that you hesitated and they then start coming up with their own story. Unfortunately, children make up stories, and usually when they do not have answers, the stories that they come up with involve blaming themselves. This can be very dangerous to the child’s self-esteem. In addition, when once the secret is out (as at a point the secret will come out), there will be huge emotions that the child will feel that can be very traumatic to the child, and can be detrimental to their well-being. Also, the relationship between you and your child will suffer, as all of a sudden the trust that was once there will be shattered.

However, there are ways to tell children their own story (whatever it is), and if done properly won’t negatively impact your child or the relationship between you and your child.

Why not tell my child when he or she is older and they can understand more?

This is a question that is often asked. And usually it is a concern so as not to confuse the children. My question to this is often, when do you think is old enough? And most of than not, there is no answer to this. The key is to explain to your child according to their age and stage of development. The same like when a 5 year old ask how they came into this world, even if through natural conception, you do not give all the details, but you will explain in terms that the child understands.

The most important thing for the child is that they will get a gradual understanding of how they came about according to their age and stage of development. There won’t be ‘one day’ or ‘one event’ in which they remember that everything was spilled out to them. So there won’t be that ‘sit down’ day when you explain all. It is rather a gradual process throughout the years, and answering your child’s questions accordingly.

As explained before, if a child does not get answers to their questions, they make up their own stories, and often than not, it involves blaming them or that there is something wrong with them. To avoid this, we answer their questions truthfully and with love, but according to their age and stage of development.

When to start and how?

The answer to ‘when?’ is from day 1. This helps to build your confidence, more so than benefits your child directly at this stage. However, the earlier you start the better, so that any conversation around your child’s story becomes more of a casual, matter-of-fact conversation. I often explain that it is like you explain/introduce your child to say their aunt/cousin from day 1 – “Hello Auntie”, “Auntie loves you”. Then at a later stage your child will understand the concept of ‘auntie’ – that auntie is family through a parent’s sibling, etc. Any conversation about their story becomes the norm for them, and they would easily accept it. It does not mean that they won’t ask questions, because they will do (maybe a million times too :)!) as all children do.

Here are some examples of when and how. What is important is that you follow your child’s lead, questions and interests. When your child asks a question, a good practice is to ask them “what do you think?”, so that you understand what they are asking, what they already know, and what they want to know. Also explain in terms that your child can relate to, and so they will understand – so use language like “love”, ” Try to use proper terminology, like “uterus” which is a special safe place in mummy’s tummy, “embryo” which is when a baby is very very tiny. And don’t be afraid/worried to repeat your answers over and over again, as your child is processing it all. Lastly, the overall message is that we love you, you are special

From birth: saying things like “you are so special to us”, “we prayed so hard for you”, “we are so happy we got some extra help to have you”, “we are so happy to be your parents and that you came to us”.

Age around 3: here you can start hinting that not all babies come to families in the same way. “children are all special”, “God chooses carefully the family He wants you to be with”, “all families are different and special”, “children come to families in many ways and are loved”.

You can introduce your child’s life book with pictures of you “we waited a long time to have you”, then a picture of the clinic “it is where we got help to have you”, then maybe pictures of the donor family (if it is an open adoption) and the doctor “we got help from special people”, then maybe of you pregnant “we already love you so much and waited eagerly for you to be born”, then a picture of the hospital/birth centre “here is where we met you for the very first time. we were so happy”. The message throughout is that we received help gladly because we wanted to have children, and are so grateful for the help, and we love you because you are very special to us.

Age around 6: this is usually when children become interested in how babies are made, so you can start introducing how not all babies are made the same way. “A grown man’s special cell called a sperm meets with a grown woman’s special cell called an egg, and make a baby”, “Baby is made inside mummy, and baby starts to grow, or baby is made outside mummy, and when very very tiny baby is put inside mummy(‘s uterus) and starts to grow”.

You can add to the child’s life book, by providing more details to the same pictures, or can add more pictures. Children love stories, especially creating stories with their own personal pictures of their family and themselves.

Here you can also start making comments such as “oh you like music, your donor mom (or how you refer to donor mom/dad) plays the piano”, or “you are getting glasses, your donor dad wears glasses”. This is giving information to child to let them know that you are open to discussing about the ‘helpers’ in their story, so that when they are ready to ask more questions they would know that you are open to discussing this with them.

The message that is important to pass on is that we love you because you are our special child no matter how you came to us. (Children worry that because they are ‘adopted’ and not yours, you love them less.)

Age around 8: here children are aware of how children are conceived and intercourse (through social media and friends and school), although they might not have the accurate explanation. It is important that they hear from you, “there are male and female bodies that fit together. When the penis and vagina fit together, the adult man’s cell, called sperm, swim through the penis and up the vagina to the adult woman’s special cell, called the egg”. “Sometimes, some adult man and adult woman need some help from other special people, like doctors, clinics, helpers”. What is important is to convey is that “sex is one of the ways people show their love for each other and it is healthy”, and that “sometimes when sex does not make a baby, the adult man and adult woman love each other so much that they ask for help to make a baby”.

Around this age, children would understand more about embryo adoption, and they would have lots of questions, especially around their embryo adoption. Their questions usually would revolve around “why was I adopted”, and “do you love me” – even if they do not directly ask these questions, this is what they are wondering to themselves. It might be worthwhile mentioning that the “helper family loved you so much that they chose to help others to have a baby and take very good care of you”. (Also here it depends if it is an open adoption, and you have a relationship with the donor family, and can be more personal vs a closed adoption where you have to build a loving story for your child.)

During this period, when children are more aware and can connect the dots of their story, they might become withdrawn as they could be grieving ‘what if’. It is important to continue with your clear message that these decisions were all made because of the immense love for the child, and that you love your child no matter how she or he came to you. It is also important to answer their questions as truthfully as you can. Children are not testing you, or rejecting you, they are just trying to process all this and make sense of their story.

Age around 12: even though by now your child knows their story, they might still keep on asking questions and revisiting the whole story of how they came to join your family. As they grow older and understand more, they might be just processing the whole story at different levels. They might process this more internally and not want to talk about it. Continue to be truthful, keep communication open, let them know that they are loved, and just be ‘there’ with your child/ren. You can also bring the subject up from time to time, so that child would know that you are comfortable with discussing this as the child needs to.

At times there might be instances where you don’t know the answers to your child’s in-depth questions. It is ok, and better to say that you do not know, instead of making up an answer. If you have a relationship with the donor family, then the question could be listed, and perhaps the donor family are able to answer if they feel comfortable.

Also to note that your child might have big emotions associated with his or her story, such as sadness or anger. As a parent acknowledge this emotion for what it is (maybe they are sad or angry because they are not your biological child), and then discuss it. Do not dismiss their big emotions, but sit with them with their emotions. What is important is that from day 1 you would have been working on a trusting relationship.

What if I have kept this information away from my child

It is never too late to start. It is best if you laid the groundwork from early on. But if you are learning all this now, and want to start, then today is a good day. Depending on the age of your child, it is ok to admit that you did not know the importance and benefit of disclosing this information early on. It might be a bit harder for you, as you navigate your child’s emotions. But remain consistent that your intentions of not disclosing the information earlier on was to protect your child and you chose not to for your child’s best interest, however now you know differently and want to do what is best and support your child, because you love them.